


And never, never thinks of me.

by slashtext



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers's poor communication skills, Steve Rogers's sensitive nipples, dubcon, lovesick Bucky Barnes, period typical homophobic language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 08:12:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4130716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slashtext/pseuds/slashtext
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Until then, Steve hadn’t really been sure of what he wanted, or how he wanted to do it, but watching Bucky lick his lips left Steve aching for a taste. He just had to find a way to make it count.</p><p>“I need to try something,” Steve said, because it was the simplest way of telling the truth.</p><p>Bucky didn’t reply, just frowned slightly, pouting his lips, and Steve dropped to his knees to make himself clear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And never, never thinks of me.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote all of this in a day. Why? How? I'm not sure. I just really wanted to watch these boys screw and mess it all up. Also, this is all hansbekhart's fault. 
> 
> The title is from "There is a Tavern in the Town."

Steve heard a key click in the lock and jolted to his feet as Bucky flew through the door, easy as the gust of wind tousling his jacket. The tip of his nose was tinted red from the early autumn chill, but otherwise he was perfect. Even the sloppy tilt of his flat cap seemed like the wind had blown it just so, as if nature were arranging him for a portrait.

“Ma wanted to know why you missed lunch,” Bucky said, with only a smile and nod for greeting as he tossed his cap and jacket over the back of a chair. He shucked off his shoes and suspenders, ready to unwind for the night, but stopped halfway through the kitchen, eyeing Steve suspiciously. “What?”

Not trusting himself to speak, Steve stalked across the room, looking mean enough for Bucky to step back until Steve was crowding him against the door.

“What’s going on?” Bucky asked in a low voice that sent goosebumps down the back of Steve’s neck.

Until then, Steve hadn’t really been sure of what he wanted, or how he wanted to do it, but watching Bucky lick his lips left Steve aching for a taste. He just had to find a way to make it count.

“I need to try something,” Steve said, because it was the simplest way of telling the truth.

Bucky didn’t reply, just frowned slightly, pouting his lips, and Steve dropped to his knees to make himself clear.

“Steve,” Bucky gasped as Steve took hold of his hips, pressing his nose up against the zipper of his pants.

Steve nuzzled in closer, letting Bucky’s belt buckle dig into his forehead, and could swear he felt Bucky’s cock hardening against his lips. He heard Bucky’s hands slap against the door, and prayed he wasn’t about to be punched.

“Can I?” Steve asked, peeking up at Bucky’s blushing face and reaching to unfasten his belt.

Bucky wet his lips again, hands still pressed flat behind him. “I don’t know what you’re asking,” he said as Steve pulled down his zipper.

“Sure you do.” With Bucky’s fly open, Steve could nose against the musky fabric of his y-fronts, and sure enough, Bucky’s cock was filling at the touch.

Above him, Steve could hear Bucky drawing in a long, shuddering breath, but he held Bucky’s hips steady and and tried to focus. Already he could feel his own dick straining in his pants, making him squim and rub up against the rough fabric. He closed his eyes and parted his lips, breathing in Bucky’s own smell and sweat. It was like the times when Bucky hugged him close and Steve slipped his nose into the soft spot between Bucky’s chest and arm: comforting, and heady.

“God, Steve,” Bucky groaned, and it was enough for Steve to slip out his tongue and wrap his lips around the outline of Bucky’s cock. “ _Fuck_ -”

Steve pressed in, but Bucky’s hands wrapped tight under his arms and hauled him to his feet. He had just a moment to register the heavy-lidded panic in Bucky’s eyes before Bucky was kissing him hard, parting Steve’s lips and slipping in his tongue. Steve didn’t know what to do with his hands, or his lips, or his own tongue. He’d never been kissed like this. Hell, maybe he’d never been kissed at all. Chaste pecks on the lips couldn’t possibly count compared to the way Bucky was pressing into him, licking, sucking, pulling away to nip at Steve’s bottom lip. It was overwhelming, and Steve felt loose and unhinged. He let Bucky haul him up on tip-toe and pull him close enough that their cocks were pressed together through their pants.

Bucky rolled his hips and Steve let out a moan, slowly realizing that he could come just like this, without Bucky ever touching him.

“Buck -” he breathed, pulling away to escape the embarrassment of shooting off in his pants, but every movement had him falling back into Bucky, like gravity was rearranged. Bucky’s hands slipped down the small of his back and over his ass, squeezing and petting and lighting Steve up from the inside out. 

When he got on his knees for Bucky he hadn’t expected to feel so good. He’d figured being queer was about pleasing other men, but Bucky was giving all that pleasure back and then some. Bucky’s hands and lips felt so good that Steve couldn’t even feel ashamed. Maybe _that_ was what made him queer.

Steve took Bucky’s soft bottom lip between his own and sucked, like Bucky had done with his, and Bucky whimpered and hitched up his hips against Steve’s helplessly.

“Jesus, Stevie,” Bucky moaned. Steve felt something like triumph fluttering in his chest, but when he rolled his hips up against Bucky’s, Bucky let out a loud gasp and pushed him away. 

“What?” Steve asked, trying to catch his breath.

“Nothin’, nothin’,” Bucky muttered. He leaned his forehead against Steve’s and rubbed circles over Steve’s back with his thumbs. “Sorry I just - I thought we’d never -”

He gave Steve a soft kiss on the forehead and lifted his hands to cradle Steve’s face and straighten his hair. Bucky’s smile was sweet and bright, and so adoring Steve could hardly look at him. He’d never seen quite that kind of smile from Bucky before - with the girls he was usually coy and cool -  and Steve’s stomach flipped as Bucky kissed his cheek, then his nose.

Compared to their first rough, heated kiss, the tenderness was a little terrifying. He couldn’t tell why Bucky was kissing him like that when all Steve meant to do was give him a suck job. If Steve was offering, then he was the only one getting in trouble, and nobody would blame Bucky for getting some from his sissy-looking roommate. A suck job was one thing, but the way Bucky was looking at him was more like -

“I love you so much, Stevie,” Bucky whispered, lips grazing Steve’s cheek.

“Love you too, Buck,” Steve said, because he did, but his voice shook a little. They told each other often enough, so it was nothing new. Most times, it went without saying, so Steve wasn’t sure why Bucky would bring it up now. Something about the words itched in Steve's brain, but he shut it out, concentrating on what he needed to do. 

Bucky wrapped him up in a hug, and with his good ear pressed to Bucky’s heart, Steve could hear his pulse pounding and feel the swell of his chest when he laughed.

“We don’t have to do all this now, if you don’t want to,” Bucky mumbled, breath warm in Steve’s hair. “Just knowing you feel the same way, that’s enough for me. I know how impatient you get, but we don’t have to rush.”

“I’m not impatient,” Steve blurted out. It was easier to fall back on argument than figure out what Bucky meant by feeling the same way. Feelings were the last thing he wanted to think about.

“Right, right.”

“I’m not,” Steve said. “I told you I wanted to try.”

Bucky just laughed again, and nosed against his hair. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate you offering. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamed about getting your mouth on me.”

Bucky’s voice dropped low and rough, Steve’s heart skipped a beat. “You dream about me?”

“Yeah,” Buck said, almost shy. “All the time.” 

Steve felt his ears going hot. He was probably blushing all the way to his bellybutton just imagining it, wondering if Bucky called out his name in his sleep. The idea of Bucky dreaming about him was unbelievable, especially since Bucky never showed any interest in other men, let alone a scrawny one like Steve. 

“Don’t you have better things to dream about?” Steve asked absently. He’d seen the kind of girls Bucky went with, and none of them had paper bag lungs and a broken nose.

Bucky drew back and beamed down at Steve with a dopey, lopsided grin. “You’re such an idiot,” he said. “Stevie, you’re the best. You’re beautiful.” 

Steve’s jaw dropped, but before he could argue Bucky was kissing him again, all open-mouthed and wet and wonderful. It didn’t leave much room for Steve to breathe, or think, or do anything but kiss back and fist his hands in Bucky’s shirt. Bucky’s fingers raked through his hair, tugging just hard enough to get Steve weak at the knees, before petting down Steve’s cheek and making him shiver.

Bucky always tried to puff Steve up, tell him he looked good, but Steve never bought it. He never understood why Bucky wanted to live in a crumbling apartment with him, or cook for him, him drag him out dancing on another double date that was doomed from the start. Some days, when he was weak and sick and raging at the world, he could hardly believe Bucky loved him at all.

Now, he could feel it. Bucky said he was beautiful, worth dreaming about, and Steve couldn’t help but believe him. He felt safe and clean under Bucky’s hands. He felt _loved,_ and he wondered if he could kiss Bucky’s neck and chest and suck his cock and make him feel it, too. 

Steve slid his hands down Bucky’s shirt until his fingers teased at the soft hair under Bucky’s shorts. Whatever kissing Bucky was doing for him, he’d started all this for a reason, and he had to see it through. He got lucky that Bucky liked it and didn’t want to slug him, and maybe if he was even luckier,  Bucky would suck him off, too. Steve moaned a little at the thought, and pushing his fingers under the fabric.

“Impatient,” Bucky hummed, but he didn’t push Steve away.

Steve smirked against Bucky’s lips, growing bolder as he brushed his fingers down the hard length of Bucky’s cock and made Bucky whimper again. “Told you,” he said. “Wanted to try something.”

“Alright,” Bucky said, rocking his hips a little. “But - not here. We can use my bed.”

Steve pictured it - squeezing together in Bucky’s twin bed - and felt himself flush. Going to bed with another man was different than than just sucking him off. It meant something different - something Steve wasn’t sure he was ready to face.

“Couch is closer,” he said, biting his lip as he drew his hand out from Bucky’s pants.

Bucky laughed softly. “So impatient,” he said, and stating walking Steve backwards toward their hand-me-down sofa.

There were claw marks running down the faded upholstery, left there by Bucky’s grandmother’s cat, and smudges of charcoal from Steve’s sketching. It was less romantic than a bed, but that was good - it was safe.

Bucky took a look at Steve, then at the couch, and without warning hitching his hands around Steve’s thighs and lifted him into the air.

“Hey!” Steve shoved at Bucky’s chest, but when Bucky sat down on the couch Steve was stuck straddling his lap, and it was harder to protest when he could feel Bucky’s cock straining against his own.

“This okay?” Bucky asked, a little breathless.

“Not if I’m gonna suck you off,” Steve mumbled, squirming a little to get his knees in a comfortable spot. Every shift had him sucking in a sharp breath as he rubbed off against Bucky.

“Save it for next time,” Bucky said as he pulled open the buttons of Steve’s shirt and pushing it down over Steve’s shoulders. “I wanna see you.”

“Because I’m so beautiful?” Steve rolled his eyes to combat the blush he could feel spreading over his cheeks, and busied himself by tugging off Bucky’s tie.

“Something like that,” Bucky laughed. He caught Steve’s hands and pulled his shirt off completely, leaving him in just a baggy, sleeveless undershirt that hung embarrassingly low on his chest. Steve folded his arms, feeling exposed, and a little cold.

“What about _your_ shirt?” 

Bucky sucked in his lip and smirked, leaning to rest his arms over the back of the couch, cocky and ridiculous. “You wanna take care of it?”

“No,” Steve said, but he was already working open the top button.

It felt a little silly, undressing Bucky like this. Changing in the same room, or walking around in their underwear on hot summer days was one thing, but actually participating was another. Steve pulled the buttons open slowly, watching Bucky’s face as he flushed a sweet pink.

“Are you wearing my undershirt?” Bucky asked, sounding amused and turned on all at once.

“Are you wearing _mine_? Steve countered. The shirt was tight enough that Bucky’s nipples stretched through it, and Steve could see the slight outline of his muscles in the fabric.

“No.” Bucky raised an eyebrow. “I just fill out my clothes.”

“Fill out? You’re _busting_ out of it!”

“Come on, that’s my shirt - admit it." Bucky poked him, finding a ticklish spot between his ribs that made Steve shiver.

“Fine, it’s your shirt,” Steve said, swatting Bucky’s hand. “All mine are dirty.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, fond and exasperated. “You gotta start doing laundry.”

“What? That’s not - I do laundry!”

Bucky tipped his head back and laughed, and then leaned in for a kiss. Steve tried to jerk away, but Bucky wrapped a hand around the back of his head and held him close.

“Hey, it’s fine,” Bucky said. “Quit pouting - I like it. I like seeing you wear my stuff.”

“I’m not pouting.” 

“Whatever you say,” Bucky said softly, and kissed him. 

Steve’s head was swimming as soon as Bucky’s lips were back on his. On Bucky’s lap, Steve was just a little taller, and feeling Bucky leaning up to reach him was thrilling. His eyes fluttered shut and he melted against him, grasping at Bucky’s button-down so he could tug it off and stroke his hands down Bucky’s bare arms. Bucky turned and kissed his way down Steve’s throat, sucking hard enough at the bottom that Steve let out a startled moan.

Bucky clapped a hand over Steve’s mouth. “Careful - you want someone to hear?”

Steve shook him off. “You’re the one who -”

“I know.” Bucky kissed him again. “Fuck, I love how loud you are, but we gotta be careful.”

He bent to suck at Steve’s neck again, and this time Steve bit his lip, whimpering softly. He snapped his lips shut when he heard it, how wrecked and ridiculous he sounded, but Bucky just sucked harder, and Steve fell forward against Bucky’s shoulder, muffling a moan into his skin.

“God, _Steve_ ,” Bucky choked out, sounding just as wrecked, and started to tug at Steve’s shirt. “C’mon, let’s get this off.”

“Thought you liked it,” Steve said. His bony chest was the last thing he wanted Bucky to see right now.

“‘Course I do,” Bucky said as he worked the fabric up over Steve’s ribs. “But I like you even better without it.”

He whipped the shirt up and over Steve’s head before Steve could stop him, tossed it onto the floor, and went straight to work on Steve’s pants. Steve sucked in a tight breath as Bucky tugged open his belt and leaned in to kiss his bare chest, realizing in full force that all this was actually happening. 

“God,” he breathed, like an aborted prayer, and yanked at Bucky’s undershirt, pulling it off so they were evenly matched. Well, at least in terms of bare skin.

Bucky’s chest was picturesque, covered in soft, dark hair, and there were slight lines of muscle running up from his hips. Steve felt his mouth go dry. He ran his fingers down Bucky’s skin, watching his muscles tense and flutter. Bucky matched his movements, lightly tracing Steve’s ribs with the pads of his fingers and smirking when he shivered. When Bucky teased at his nipples, Steve bit down a cry and arched up against him, baring his throat, and Bucky leaned in to lick a stripe up from his clavicle to his jaw.

“Bucky, Bucky,” Steve mumbled, feeling fuzzy and wonderful, and aching in his pants. “Please -”

“Oh, so that’s how I get you to say please,” Bucky said, still teasing Steve’s nipples and smirking against his skin. “What do you need Stevie? C’mon, you can tell me. Just tell me what you like.”

“I don’t know,” Steve huffed out thoughtlessly. He didn’t want Bucky to baby him, but something about that talk was getting to his head. Bucky was already making him feel so good he could hardly imagine having anything more - and this wasn’t _supposed_ to be about taking care of him. Steve was supposed to be getting Bucky off, plain and simple.

“Well, I bet I can figure it out.”

Bucky pinched Steve’s nipples, a little harder this time, and rocked their hips together so Steve could feel the pain and pleasure all at once. Steve sucked in a breath and curled his toes, rolling his hips back against Bucky’s, and then Bucky leaned down, wrapped his lips around one of Steve’s nipples and sucked.

“ _Shit_ ,” Steve hissed, panting and squirming as Bucky licked at him.

Bucky scraped against Steve’s skin with his teeth, and Steve let out another whimper, fisting his hands in Bucky’s hair and grinding down harder against Bucky’s hips. He needed so much more and had no idea how to ask. He was helpless to the little whimpers and moans falling from his lips, and too far gone to care.

“I’ve got you, Stevie,” Bucky whispered, and slipped his hand down Steve’s pants.

“ _Oh_ ,” Steve moaned, hips jerking up against Bucky’s touch.

His hands were warm and soft, palming at Steve’s cock in long, sure strokes that made Steve’s breath catch in his throat. Bucky nipped softly at his bottom lip before kissing him again, rough and dirty, and Steve could hardly focus on anything but the drag of Bucky’s skin against his cock and the glide of his tongue.

But he was supposed to be touching Bucky. He had to know to how it felt to touch another guy, had to know how it would make him feel. Had to know if that army psychiatrist was right about him after all. Steve grasped at the front of Bucky’s shorts, pulling out Bucky’s cock and wrapping his slender feelings around its girth. He broke the kiss to sneak a peek - and of course Bucky’s dick was just as pretty as the rest of him, thick and curving up toward his stomach in a long, graceful arc. Steve thumbed at the tip, smearing Bucky’s precome around it in slow circles as Bucky moaned. 

“Fuck, Stevie, just like that.”

Bucky drew Steve out of his shorts, and Steve watched with stuttering breaths as Bucky licked his palm, pulled him close, and wrapped his hand around both their cocks together. He pumped his hand firmly, bringing his up tight around around the tips, and Steve felt his whole body tense and shiver at the sensation. He buried his face against Bucky’s neck, but  couldn’t stop himself from mumbling out Bucky’s name and begging for more as he clutched at Bucky’s hips.

“Bucky - please - Bucky -”

“I’ve got you, baby,” Bucky said, his voice a sweet rumble. He lifted Steve’s chin, pulling him out of his hiding spot and kissed him softly, moaning out words of praise. “You’re so beautiful, Stevie, you feel so good.”

“Shut up,” Steve groaned, leaning in for another kiss. He shouldn’t stand for Bucky calling him baby, but he loved it, wanted more. He ducked his head again as the rushing warmth pooled low in his stomach, but Bucky pulled him up, and held his chin tight in his hand.

“Come on, Stevie, lemme see you,” Bucky cooed. “Wanna see your pretty face when you come for me.”

Steve let out a sob he hadn’t realized he was hold in, and felt tears stinging in the corners of his eyes. He could feel himself heating up all over as Bucky’s hand moved faster, pumping harder and losing rhythm. He’d never let someone get him like this before, so wanting and willing, and it was thrilling to give himself up, let Bucky bring him over the edge.

Steve came, biting his lip to muffle a cry as he spilled over Bucky’s hand. Bucky pulled him in to kiss him through the aftershocks, and came a moment later, moaning Steve’s name into the kiss. When Steve drew back to watch Bucky’s eyes screw shut and his lips drop open, he understood all at once why Bucky wanted to see his face. In a million years, Steve would never be able to draw this, but he knew he’d spend the rest of his life trying. It was _beautiful_.

Bucky’s head knocked back against the couch and Steve followed, resting against Bucky’s shoulder. He was blissfully spent, feeling sated and warm despite the cool air in their apartment. The streets were quiet outside, letting an easy calm fall over the room as Steve listened for Bucky’s breathing, but underneath all that was the stone settling in his stomach: he was queer after all.

It’s not that Steve hadn’t known - he’d always wondered a little - but he kept it bottled up so deep that it was easy to think he was imagining it. He imagined that spark when the tall, dark-haired salesman at the bar caught his eye, or when he brushed hands with a boy at the dancehall. Or the way his stomach flipped when Bucky stripped off his shirt in the summer.

Now here he was in Bucky’s lap, with Bucky cock softening next to his, covered in spunk, and it was all real. Everything he’d ever felt was real, and it was stamped across his rejection papers with that big 4F: undesirable temperament, homosexual.

He’d done everything he could to be a man, and none of mattered.

Bucky’s hand grazed tenderly through his hair, and Steve took a deep breath, breathing in the familiar smell of his skin. He need to cry, or sleep, or maybe kiss Bucky again - he wasn’t quite sure. Everything was tangled and foggy in his head, but Bucky’s hand felt nice, and he leaned into the touch.

“Thanks,” Steve muttered.

“What for?”

“Everything.” It was hard to say out loud, but Steve owed Bucky big for putting up with this, and being so nice about it. Hell, Bucky even did most of the work, but then - he was always taking care of Steve. “It was - I didn’t know you’d want all that.”

“Well, sure,” Bucky said. “I go for guys, too. Sometimes.”

“Really?” Up until then, Steve almost thought Bucky was just indulging him, and the idea of him actually liking other men was even more bizarre. “You’re always with girls.” 

“I like both,” Bucky replied, blushing. “But I _love_ you.”

 _Oh_. That kind of love. The realization pulled Steve inside out, and he gaped at Bucky, trying to make sense of it. Bucky was in love with him - but he couldn’t be. Steve would have known. He knew everything about Bucky.

Except that he was queer, apparently. And in love. Steve didn’t want to think of what else he might not know.

“I love you, too, Bucky,” Steve said. He _did_ love Bucky, but he’d never been _in_ love before.

He couldn’t possibly know what that felt like, or if he was feeling it now. Come to think of it, Steve didn’t know two men could be in love at all. It never looked like love when Steve saw it alleyways or through filthy bar windows, hiding in shadows. That wasn’t something Bucky could possibly want .

Bucky just grinned and kissed him again, and it was reverent and wanting, with more affection that anyone had ever given Steve in his life.

“What got into you?” Bucky asked when he broke the kiss, still smiling up at Steve with his lips glossy and red.

“The enlistment center,” Steve replied absently, too busy trying to make sense of everything to stop himself from saying it. He cringed when he heard the words spilling out of his mouth.  

“Enlistment center?” Bucky’s face darkened. “You tried to enlist? Again? Steve, you can’t do that -”

“Well they rejected me again so it doesn’t matter.”

“Good.”

“Fuck you - no it’s not,” Steve bit out.

“Fuck you, Steve,” Buck said, voice low and dangerous. “You’ll be safe. You get stay here and -” he broke off, drawing a tight breath - “and say safe.”

Steve glared at him. “Sure, at least ‘til you run off enlist without me.” He watched Bucky’s shoulders slump, and his gaze drop to the mess in their laps. “You already did,” he said, feeling cold. “You did - you made it in?”

Bucky bit his lip. “Wouldn’t put it that way.”

“Bucky that’s -” Steve steeled himself. “That’s great- that you enlisted. Congratulations.” The words felt dusty in his mouth.

“Steve, I didn’t -” Bucky clicked his tongue. “Right, thanks.”

“When do you have to go?”

“I got at least two weeks.”

“Oh.” Steve’s heart dropped. “Were you gonna tell me?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, running a hand over his brow. “I just couldn’t think how to say it.”

“Were you ever gonna tell me that you - about this?” Steve waved his hand between the two of them limply, unable to say the words. 

“I wanted to,” Bucky said, achingly soft. “But you know, I didn’t - I couldn’t have you hate me for it. Especially not when…”

He trailed off, but it was enough for Steve to know what he meant. Bucky loved him, and he was leaving, and he might have gotten blown up overseas without Steve ever knowing. It was shattering.

All Steve could do was kiss him. He wrapped his hands around Bucky’s neck and held him, pressing in close despite the sticky, cooling come between them. Maybe he wasn’t in love with Bucky, and maybe he was, but it didn’t matter now. There was plenty he _did_ feel, and he put that into the kiss, running his tongue over Bucky’s lip and slipping into his mouth, trying to memorize the details of Bucky’s breathing and the scattered callouses on his hand.

“Steve,” Bucky said, “why this time?”

“Hm?”

“Why’d this rejection set you off?”

Steve froze. There was something permanent about saying he was queer out loud, and something terrible about telling Bucky he only had sex with him to find out if it was true.

“I don’t know,” he said.

“I mean, this is the third time, is all.” Bucky shrugged, but there was a worried crease deeping between his eyebrows. “So what happened?”

“Nothing,” Steve said, but it was too obviously a lie. He knew better than to try and fool Bucky with a single word sentence. “I just. I guess it got to me.”

Bucky frowned. “You didn’t get trouble from anyone, did you?”

“No.”

“Alright.” Bucky sighed, shaking his head. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. I mean, I took a few years so say I was in love you with you, so. You don’t have to tell me.”

“A few _years_?” Shit, how long has this been going on? It made Steve feel even guiltier, that Bucky had wanted him for so long while he was oblivious.

Bucky  shrugged and smiled. “Well, you didn’t tell me either. And now you’re not tell me about the enlistment center, so -”

“Bucky -”

“No, no, it’s fine. Really. Works out great when we don’t tell each other things.”

Bucky wiped his hand off on his pants again and tucked himself back into his shorts. 

“Bucky, that ain’t fair,” Steve said, pulling his pants up as Bucky pushed him to his feet.

“Come on, let’s get cleaned up.” He headed to the kitchen and wet a towel, wiped up his hands and stomach, then tossed it to Steve.

The towel hit him square in the chest, cold and sharp. “Bucky, goddamn it, _listen_ -” 

Bucky rounded on him. “Listen to _me_ , Steve. I’ve only got a few weeks left and I don’t want to spend it lying to each other. Don’t you think we’ve done that long enough?”

“So I _do_ have to tell you.” 

“No,” Bucky spat. “You don’t have to. But you you _should_. I think I deserve to know why it took you ‘til now to do anything! I mean, come on, Steve - if we both felt the same way why’d it take us so long?” He reached out and squeezed a hand around Steve’s shoulder. “Why’d we waste so much time?” 

Steve had to say something - anything - to get that crumpled look off Bucky’s face. “I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what?” He asked with a soft laugh. “That I wanted you just as much?”

“That I -” Steve took a breath. “That I wanted - I didn’t know I wanted - _that_. That I was like that.” He twisted the damp towel in his hands, and met Bucky’s eyes. Bucky stared back, lips pursed together, and Steve felt hot under his scrutiny. “Then the doctor at the enlistment office said I was and I had to know.” 

“Did you tell him you like girls?” Bucky asked, giving Steve’s shoulder a squeeze.

“I did, but he didn’t care. I’d never even been with a guy and it didn’t matter - he just knew.”

“But you didn’t know,” Bucky said. Steve nodded, miserably, and Bucky’s hand slipped off his shoulder. “This was your first time? With a guy?”

“Yeah.” Steve swallowed down the important part - that it was his first time ever. 

Still, he had chosen to share it with Bucky, and that had to count for something. Bucky’s lips twisted tighter together as his brows furrowed, and Steve could see the moment when he weighed all that Steve had said, and filled in the gaps.

“But you didn’t - you never thought of me like that,” Bucky said carefully, and Steve could hear the hurt. 

Steve never wanted to lie so much in his life. Maybe there was some truth he could find, buried deep. Some detail. The sweat dripping down Bucky’s neck while he sat smoking on the fire escape in the middle of August. The portraits threaded through Steve’s sketchbooks - Bucky’s hands and eyes and lips all rendered in perfect detail, even from memory. There was love in it - there _was_ \- but Steve didn’t think it was the kind Bucky meant.

“What if I said I do now?” he asked, floundering. He wasn’t sure it was true, but maybe it could be. Maybe in two weeks he could kiss Bucky goodbye and say it all for real. He just needed time. Finding out he was queer was bad enough without being in love with his best friend.

Bucky’s eyes glazed over when he smiled, slight and fragile. “I wouldn’t believe you.” 

He staggered back toward the living room to snatch his shirt off the floor and slip it over his arms in quick, rough strokes. His fingers moved fast over the buttons as he blew past Steve on the way to the door.

“Bucky, wait -” Steve felt panic flooding his chest, tightening his lungs. “You gotta let me explain -”

“Why me?” Bucky asked brusquely, jamming his feet into his shoes and pulling up his suspenders. “If you didn’t want me. I mean, Jesus, Steve, could it have been anyone? Did you think I’d just let you suck me off and it wouldn’t mean anything?”

“No! Bucky, I trust you. I thought you’d -” Steve shook his head. He wasn’t sure what he’d thought. Bucky walked through that door looking perfect and wonderful and Steve didn’t think at all.

“Did _any_ of that mean anything to you?” Bucky spat out, his hand already on the doorknob. 

It was the slap in the face Steve had been bracing for since all this started. Of course being with Bucky meant something to him. Bucky always meant something, and just because Steve was too busy scrounging for work and fighting off pneumonia to fall in love didn’t mean he wasn’t capable of it. It wasn’t fair for Bucky to think he could feel everything all at once, and the question stung worse than a real blow. 

Steve stood immobile, his hands balled into fists, and Bucky yanked open the door, and stormed out.

He didn’t even take his coat. 

**Author's Note:**

> I may. possibly. have to write a sequel to fix all of this. I had a lot of fun making it derail, but now I'm just sad and I want Steve to wrap himself up in Bucky's coat and fall asleep on the couch and when Bucky stumbles home drunk from the bar, he kisses Steve's hair - 
> 
> Help, I gave myself feelings! If you also have feelings, come by my [tumblr](http://catmeleon.tumblr.com) and we can cry about them together!


End file.
